Of Geniuses and Sugar Addicts
by xtechnicolordreamsx
Summary: Series of funny little Death Note oneshots. CHPT.2 Raito froze couldn't think of anything else but, 'Jesus Christ, he's going to light me on fire, cut me up, douse me with water, and then light me up again'
1. Et toi, quel est ton secret?

Sometimes, Raito cannot help but visualise - just visualise in his head, nothing else - all of the many ways that he can kill L right now. He had all that he needed - and more! He could use his hands to suffocate him (_But asphyxiation is so overrated_, said Raito to himself, frowning slightly), he could stab L in the neck with that pair of scissors lying atop the desk (_But that would be too messy_, grumbles Raito, shaking his head slightly), or he could sneak up behind the detective and smash a chair into his head, cracking L's skull and - hopefully - killing him (_Again, a bit too messy_, sighs Raito, now leaning his chin on his hand, an air of slight disappointment on his face).

"Yagami-kun?"

The 17-year-old snapped his head up, the sudden calling of his name surprising him and knocking him out of his thoughts.

"Yes?" He asked, "What is it, Ryuuzaki?"

The thin detective was looking at him gravely, with a somber look on his pale face, and for a second - just a second - Raito felt a twinge of worry run up his spine.

_Did L find anything significant to the investigation? Did he find any proof that I am, indeed, Kira? Did he figure out what I was thinking of just now? Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?!_ Thoughts such as these were running around Raito's brain, and he had to pinch himself (without L seeing, of course) just to rid himself of those ridiculous thoughts. It was obvious that the stress of the investigation (or maybe it was just the fact that being chained to L for a long time) caused some - or even most! - of his brain cells to spontaneously combust?)

Raito, who just to make sure that none of his precious brain cells have left him, asked himself to recite the first hundred-fifty decimal places of PI - and when he managed to recite them all (hopefully all of them perfectly), he almost let out a sigh of relief - ALMOST.

"... Ryuuzaki?" Raito asked again, this time feeling much more confident - and intelligent - than he was two minutes ago.

"Yagami-kun," started L, voice sounding even _more _depressing and solemn than usual, "I am afraid that I have made an incredibly important discovery about you, and I am sure that you will be shocked and probably even horrified and angry that I have discovered that, - " Raito clenched his fists. " - and I am ninety-six point seven percent sure that you will be discouraged that I have managed to uncover this secret of yours - because it must have been extremely hard for you to try and make sure that no one would ever find out about it, else your reputation would be stained forever."

Raito gulped. _He couldn't have found out that I am Kira!_ He thought to himself, somewhat horrified. _He couldn't have! It's impossible!_

So, as best as he could, Raito summoned a laugh and said, "Ryuuzaki, what are you talking about? I don't have any secrets!"

L shook his head, disagreeing with him. "That is incorrect, Yagami-kun," he said gravely. "You have many secrets - the one that I have uncovered is just simply the one that you wished for no one to find out."

"Nonsense!" Laughed Raito again, fakely. "I haven't any secrets, Ryuuzaki!"

"Yagami-kun," started L, looking Raito in the eye now, "I have discovered that you are a homosexual."

For a whole second, Raito swore that his brain and heart stopped. For a second, Raito couldn't even _remember_ who he was and why the sky was blue - his brain just _**shut off**_.

"I... I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki?" The 17-year-old asked, raising an eyebrow at the detective.

"It is quite simple, Yagami-kun," said L, "And really, there isn't much to be ashamed of - there are many homosexuals on the planet, you know?"

"I am not homosexual!" Raito retorted, loudly. He almost yelled. ALMOST.

"Of course you are," disagreed L, "For one thing, you sit with your legs crossed - something that most women and homosexual men do - second of all, no normal man on this planet of ours spends a good hour on their hair in the morning - " Raito flushed at that, clenching his fists even tighter than before until he almost drew blood. "- and if you want further proof? Just read your last name backwards - you'll see."

Raito actually took the time to slowly write his family name down backwards, and to his horror (why haven't I noticed this before? he asked himself, completely aghast), found that it read **IMAGAY. **

When he saw L's smiling face, Raito seriously considered stabbing that fork of his into his neck and smashing L's precious swivel chair over his head and get it over with. But he didn't, because he reminded himself that it was far too messy and that he would hate for Watari to have to clean up all of the blood.

That, and L, like a speeding bullet, ran out of the room as fast as he could, leaving Raito to curse loudly and follow after him, yelling out various swear words and death threats.

x

This is the first of many little one-shots that i plan to write whenever I get bored. Review, please:)


	2. L'eau sainte et le feu

Raito was an intelligent young man. Really, he was.

He could solve intricate puzzles in a mere minute (or two, depending on his mood), memorize numerous texts and stanzas after having only read it once, calculate nearly any mathematical formula in his head, and many other things. Raito could generally understand how a person thought and could (most of the time) predict said person's next action. That being said, Yagami Raito is, fairly easily, an intelligent young man.

But Raito could not understand Ryuuzaki, aka L.

Raito (_or any other human being_, he concluded silently) couldn't understand how the pale man thought, could't predict the detective's next course of action, nor could he comprehend _how _and _why _any living man, organism or creature would eat - and survive on - tons and tons of sugar daily - Raito was one hundred percent sure that all of the sweets Ryuuzaki ate in a day put together weighed more than he did!

That being said, Yagami Raito, quite simply, did not understand Ryuuzaki, aka L.

So when he walked into HQ and saw the pale sugar-addict holding a lighter and a knife in his hands, Raito froze immediately and could't think of anything else but, _Jesus Christ, he's going to light me on fire, cut me up, douse me with water, and then light me up again_.

And when L turned his head to look at him and gave him a creepy looking smile while waving his hand (along with the rather pointy-looking knife) as a _hello there_ sort of gesture, Raito felt a bead of sweat roll down his neck.

Yagami Raito, the intelligent man who could't understand Ryuuzaki-aka-L, was, for a good minute or two, genuinely scared.

"Hello, Imagay-kun," Ryuuzaki said, waving his hand still.

"Don't call me that!" Raito snapped, suddenly not afraid anymore.

"Why not?" asked the detective, who had finally stopped waving his hand - AND THAT DAMNED KNIFE - around. "We have agreed yesterday that you are a homosexual, haven't we, Imagay-kun? Not to mention that _Imagay _is your last name - read backward, that is," Ryuuzaki said. "So really, I'm merely calling you by your name. I don't see any problem with that."

"That problem here is with your head!" exclaimed Raito, who was flushing again."And _what on earth _are you doing holding a lighter and a knife?!"

"Oh, these things?" Ryuuzaki waved the two instruments again, glancing at the two of them innocently.

"_**Yes, those things!**_"

"Now, now, Imagay-kun, no need to get all heated up over a simple lighter and a regular kitchen knife," tsk-ed Ryuuzaki, shaking his head lightly. "I was merely using the knife to cut out a piece of cake for myself, you see?" As if to prove what he had just said, Ryuuzaki moved a little to reveal a thin piece of black forest cake lying on a plate.

"I didn't get heated up, Ryuuzaki," said Raito with a sniff, and he went to sit in the chair right next to Ryuuzaki, who, at Raito's cold stare, had put the knife down on the table. "And don't call me Imagay."

"Well, then, what should I call you?" asked the detective.

"Anything but that."

"How about... Strawberry Cake-chan?"

"OH, HELL NO."

"I was just kidding, Raito-kun," said Ryuuzaki, giving a little laugh, "It was just a joke."

"It better have been," Raito muttered darkly, glaring at the detective.

When Ryuuzaki started to eat his cake (he, of course, had already put down the lighter), Raito noticed a small glass bottle filled with a colorless liquid lying next to the pale man's laptop. There was nothing inscribed on the bottle, and Raito wondered what it was. For some reason, it made him think of the bottle that Alice had seen in Lewis Carroll's _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_. Except that this one didn't have a _Drink Me _sign on it, and was probably filled with poison.

"Hey, Ryuuzaki, what _is_ that?" he asked, pointing at the little bottle with his index finger.

"Oh, that?"

Raito nodded.

Ryuuzaki gave the 17-year-old another one of his creepy smiles, and as he picked the tiny bottle up delicately, said, "It's a vial filled with holy water."

Raito blinked. _He isn't _serious_, is he?_ he asked himself, ready to smack his palm into his face. And when the dark-haired man didn't say anything else after, Raito blinked again. "Holy water?" He asked dryly.

"Yes," affirmed Ryuuzaki, "Holy water."

"_Holy water?_" repeated Raito, incredulous.

"Yes," said Ryuuzaki, nodding his head slowly, "I just told you what it was, Imaga - I mean, Raito-kun."

"I... I didn't know that you were catholic," mumbled Raito in a low voice, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, I'm not catholic," replied Ryuuzaki with a small smile. "I am an atheist, actually."

"Then, why..." started Raito.

"Someone told me that Kira was allergic to holy water, and that if I doused him with it and lit him on fire, Kira would die," stated Ryuuzaki simply, as if it was the most evident answer in the world. Raito twitched, and for a second, had a sudden urge to reach out a strangle the vampire-like man. But he didn't, because he was smarter than that. ...right?

"And you _actually _believe that?" asked Raito skeptically.

"Not at all, no," laughed Ryuuzaki, earning another twitch from the 17-year-old. "In fact, I find it quite silly."

"Then _why _- " started Raito again, somehow beginning to grow frustrated.

" - _however_, I figure that it would be an amusing thing to try out, so I asked Watari to fetch me some holy water and a lighter," interrupted Ryuuzaki.

Raito laughed. "OK, I can imagine just how amusing this could be, but on who exactly would you try it out on?" he asked, trying to make a point. "After all, we haven't found Kira yet, and I don't think that you'd just randomly douse someone with holy water and then_ light them on fire_. Because that would be quite unintelligent on your part."

When Ryuuzaki smiled his creepy smile again and began to remove the cap of the glass vial, Raito found himself slowly backing up, an eyebrow raised nice and high, his hands clenching the armrests of the chair tightly. The only thing running around in his head was, _How unfortunate, he's going to **kill** me_.

"You are right, Raito-kun," admitted Ryuuzaki, "_however_, despite the fact that we have not yet captured Kira, we do, in fact, have a main suspect - and it would be interesting to try it out on him, now, wouldn't it?"

And before Raito could stand up and run, he found his face - and some of his stomach - getting doused with water, and he let out a cry of pain as the liquid entered his eyes - God, how it _burned!_

_**"RYUUZAKI, YOU GODDAMN TROGLODYTE!!" **_Raito yelled, bringing his hands to his eyes in a vain attempt to rub off the holy water.

And then Ryuuzaki _lit him _(or his shirt, at least) _on fire_.

"Jesus fuck!" He cried out, opening his eyes once he the burning pain went away (and it left as quickly as it came, actually). Ryuuzaki, the moronic fool, was just sitting there with his thumb in his mouth, watching the scene unfold, and Christ, _his shirt was on fire and burning his skin_. Raito, who was jumping around frantically, was trying to put the flames out with his coat - but _it didn't help_.

_Stop, drop, and roll, right? _He asked himself, remembering all of the times the firemen had visited his elementary school. _Right?!_

"Well, isn't this quite the predicament?" Raito heard the detective say, and he was furious that he didn't even sound _worried _for him. Any normal human would be worried, right? But Raito didn't have the time to think about that, because, just as soon as the holy water burned his eyeballs or the fire touched his shirt, he was suddenly splashed - drenched, even - with a bucket of cold, freezing water. Where did the water come from, anyway?!

Once the fire was out (his beautiful shirt was black and had a hole in it, and despite having been splashed with water, it still made a 'ssssss' kind of noise), Raito made a fist and was more than ready to punch the living daylights out of Ryuuzaki. Oh, that man was going to regret it, that was for sure.

But Ryuuzaki wasn't there anymore, and Raito almost cried. ALMOST.

_**"RYUUZAKI, GET BACK HERE!!"**_

x

Uhh, I don't really know if holy water burns or not (I haven't tried it out, unlike L, you see?), but I had a dream about this. YEAH. review, please :)

**(EDIT: remove some - most, actually - of the swear words. Just because.)**


	3. Les Dieux et les crottes de nez

"Raito-kun."

A shuffle sounded in the room, but for a good minute or two, there was no other noise.

"Raito-kun," repeated Ryuuzaki, frowning slightly.

But Raito did not answer, nor did he give any sign of aknowledgement toward the detective. The pale man felt a tiny pan of hurt at that (he'd never really been purposely ignored before), and he actually pouted. L _pouted_.

"_Raito-kuuun_," he said again, a whiny tone to his usually monotone voice. "Can you not hear me? Do you need to see an otologist to check on your ears? Raito-kun? _Hellooo_?"

The 17-year-old merely grabbed a couple of papers from the desk and began to leaf through them, apparently looking for any useful information of any sort. In other words, he was trying to look busy so as to ignore the detective. He was bound to shut up and stop any time soon, right? After all, Ryuuzaki wasn't so childish as to keep on calling his name without end. Ryuuzaki was better than that. He was an intelligent being.

...right?

-

"Raito-kun, Raito-kun, Raito-kun, Raito-kun..."

Ten minutes had passed, and Raito, who was still reading (though he found it quite hard to concentrate on the words and not on the violent thoughts running through his head at the moment), was beginning to get peeved by Ryuuzaki's nonstop calling of his name. He was holding the papers a little bit harder than before, and they were beginning to get crumpled and folded from his firm grip - Raito was annoyed, that was for sure. (As if it wasn't evident enough from the vein pulsing in annoyance on his forehead)

"Raito-kuuun, Raito-kuuuun, _Kira-kuuuun_," whined Ryuuzaki in a sing-songy, childish, pouty voice, "Raaaaito-kun, RaitoRaitoRaitoRaito-kuuun..."

Raito's left eye began to twitch now, and even more violent, morbid thoughts ran around his head, begging for his attention (_Just like Ryuuzaki_, Raito thought darkly, _although the thoughts are so much more pleasant than his annoying voice_). It took almost all of Raito's willpower just to refrain from giving the sugar-addict a very strong uppercut in the jaw. But Raito was smart, and he was (generally) a patient person, so he tried as best as he could to make sure that it didn't get to him.

"Imagay-kuuuuuuun, Homosexual-chaaaaaaan!! Raito-who-likes-men-kuuuuun!!"

But it was those words (because Raito couldn't consider them as nicknames, _no way_) that made the auburn-haired man crack.

_**"Oh, SHUT UP ALREADY, you sugar-addicted troglodictic vampire-esque moron!!" **_Raito cried, so angry that he had accidently ripped the papers in half (Ryuuzaki seemed quite impressed at that), and he stood up, towering over the crouched detective.

"That's not nice at all," said Ryuuzaki with a feigned expression of hurt, bringing his thumb over his mouth to nibble on the nail, "I thought that Raito-kun had better manners than that, given how polite his parents are."

Raito couldn't even bring himself to reply to that - it wasn't that he didn't have a comeback, no, it was just that Ryuuzaki sounded so childish that his brain couldn't find anything he could fire back with - so he merely stayed in his upright position, nostrils flaring and teeth bared. He was still gripping the papers, now crumpled and ripped from his previous sudden violent reaction.

"You know," Raito started, frowning, "maybe you could've used that large head of yours to deduce the fact that maybe I was ignoring you for a reason, Ryuuzaki. After all, any idiot would've realized that _maaaybe _I wasn't replying or giving you any sign of aknowledgement because _maaaybe _you did something that might have angered me, or something."

When Ryuuzaki didn't reply, Raito thought that he had offended the genius, and refrained from giving a small dance of joy - it wasn't every day that he got the chance to offend the detective, after all. But then, as if to put a damper on Raito's short moment of joy, Ryuuzaki opened his mouth to speak.

"At least I can use _my _'large head' to realize if I'm homosexual or not," Ryuuzaki mumbled quietly, thumb against his lip. And he added, in an even lower voice that Raito had to almost strain his ears just to hear what he was saying, "Unlike _someone _here."

"I'm not homosexual!" retorted Raito hotly, his cheeks quickly turning a light shade of pink. "And my head is not big!"

"Is too," said Ryuuzaki with a sniff.

"Is not!" disagreed Raito angrily.

"Is too," pursued Ryuuzaki.

"Is not!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Aha!" exclaimed the dark-haired man suddenly, "You just admitted it - your head _is _big!"

Raito, who was so surprised and horrified that he fell for that stupid trap - _the very same mediocre, idiotic, simple and incredibly evident trap that Bugs Bunny had so often used on Daffy Duck or Elmer Fudd that he used to make for of when he was younger -, _couldn't even open his mouth to defend himself.

"And anyway," continued Ryuuzaki, using that same annoying, childish voice from before, "after all the amount of time you spend in front of your mirror every morning, shouldn't it be hard for you to _not _notice the abnormal largeness of your head? Your ego is way too big, Raito-kun. You should be careful."

Raito took a deep breath, repeating over and over in his head, _'You don't need to listen to him, You are God, and he is an ant. God squishes ants. He is insignificant. Very insignificant. Wheras you are significant. Because you are God. And Gods are very significant', _as if to try and calm down and resist killing Ryuuzaki _right there and now_.

It was quiet for about five minutes, with Raito still standing in front of Ryuuzaki while the detective merely nibbled on his thumb, a confused expression on his pale face, as if trying (and failing) to understand what Raito was doing.

The silence felt _good_.

"Hey, homosexual-kun?" Ryuuzaki said, speaking up after what seemed to be a long time.

"_WHAT?!_"

The black-haired man frowned. "You really need to calm down, Homosexual-kun," he said, "from the beginning, I merely wanted to tell you something. But you kept on ignoring me - which was quite rude on your part - and now look at you, you're completely crazy."

"I'm not crazy, you are!" screamed Raito, eyes bulging and nostrils flaring. "And don't call me that!!"

"If you say so, homo - I mean, Raito-kun."

The two men spent another good five minutes in silence, this time staring at each other, rarely blinking and faces solemn.

"Have you calmed down enough for me to tell you what I have been waiting to say the whole time, then, Raito-kun?" asked Ryuuzaki slowly, as if talking to a child.

"Yes, mother," sneered Raito, turning around to grab his chair and sit back down, glaring daggers at the detective.

"Well then," started Ryuuzaki, and his voice changed from childish to its usual monotone, "you may not like what I am going to tell you, but it is disturbing to me and to the rest of the world, so I find it is my duty to tell you, Raito-kun, that you have a booger sticking out of your nose."

Raito, fueled by rage, grabbed a random object and threw it at Ryuuzaki as hard as he could (it turned out to be an eraser), screaming, _**"WHAT?!?!?!"**_

And Ryuuzaki, who had recieved the rubber object in his eye, ran off at full speed - just like before! - and disappeared. Raito wondered for a second if Ryuuzaki had a rocket or something hidden inside his ass, because he had never seen anyone run so fast before. And then he grabbed another random object (this time it turned out to be a spork, and God knows why there was a spork lying around, anyway) and began running after the detective, waving the spork around in the air to try and make it look menacing and dangerous (because, really, sporks were anything but menacing and dangerous).

**-**

**UHYEAH. **I'm ending it here BECAUSE I CAN. HA. this chapter was actually kinda based on a true story. KINDA. (between my two best friends). this isnt really my best, but what can you do? THIS IS A PRODUCT OF BOREDOM (ohnoes).

review :)


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